My boyfriend John Cusack and the telepathic orgasms

It’s come to my attention lately that I am a HORRIBLE girlfriend.

It’s been months since I’ve given my “boyfriend” an ounce of attention. I haven’t written him any long love letters filled with quotes from The Clash Songs. I haven’t posted any pictures of us making googly eyes at each other. I haven’t even spent hours sitting on my couch staring longingly into his eyes.

Of course I’m not talking about my REAL boyfriend whom I embarrass daily on the air and write about on my blog.

No. I’m an excellent girlfriend to him. Yesterday I even let him make me a shrimp taco and spent my day off lounging in his bed. I love him dearly and he knows it.

I am talking about my fake internet boyfriend, John Cusack. At one point, you could google “John Cusack’s girlfriend,” and my little blog would be right at the top of the search results.

I’m saddened to admit that is no longer the case.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t want us to break up. I still get butterflies when I think about Serendipity and High Fidelity.  But then I think about The Raven and my stomach coils.

What happened to my insecure, unsung hero?

I run into him periodically on the twitter machine – but I can’t seem to understand anything that he is talking about. At this point, I’m not whether it’s that I am too ignorant to understand his left-wing political rants, or if I am too ignorant to understand the language of gibberish.

Then, last week I stumbled across this little gem of a film called “The Paperboy.” My boyfriend plays Hillary Van Wetter, an insane backwoods maniac from Florida, which is exactly where all insane back-woods maniacs seems to live.  Ward Jenson (Matthew McConaughey) and his brother Jake (Zac Effron) set out to investigate Hillary with the help of Charlotte Bess (Nicole Kidman) who plays a crazy stalker fan who wants to marry him.

I can’t say that I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, because overall, it’s extremely disturbing.

I can recommend this movie based on three reasons.

#1. Here is your chance to see John Cusack with Nicolas Cage hair. Surprisingly, I learned that I am attracted John Cusack with Nicolas Cage hair.

#2. Zac Efron doesn’t wear a shirt for 93% of the film. Also, Nicole Kidman pees on him.

#3. Most importantly, there is a telepathic sex scene between my boyfriend and Nicole Kidman. Am I jealous? Of course not. How do you think he learned how to do that?

(This isn’t the best copy of the scene, but it’s the best the internets have to offer. )

Let’s hope that 2013 brings us much more John Cusack, and that once again will reign queen of all “John Cusack’s Girlfriend” google searches.